It was a cold and unusually dark Friday night in December. Fall was gradually making its exit and the winter weather was coming in full force. Usually, I work late on Friday but this day was different. My best friend Kate was having her annual fall ball. She puts it together to say goodbye to what is seemingly the last few days of good weather. I was ill prepared for her event because I had a new client and had been working tirelessly the past few weeks.
Glancing down at my watch, I made a mental note to stop by the mall to pick up a dress for the ball. On my last visit to the local mall, I had spotted a formal dress shop with a nice selection of beautiful dresses. I put some final touches to the proposal I had been writing, said goodbye to my coworkers and made a dash for my car.
Looking down at my watch once again, I realized I only had two hours left to shop and get ready. Luckily the mall was close to my office, so the drive was short. I pulled up, parked, grabbed my purse and ran out of my car as fast as possible. A quick glance at my watch once again and I realized store would be closing in 15 minutes. Picking up the pace, I ran toward the dress shop, minding my phone, glancing at my watch and not paying attention to things around me. With a loud thud, I had carelessly bumped into someone.
Paper was scattered everywhere. Feeling frustrated because I was already running late, I hurriedly picked up the mess I helped create. Flustered and muttering under my breath, I looked up to apologize.
“I am so sorry, I was in…” I stopped in the middle of my sentence. Resisting the urge to scratch my eyes, I dropped the paper in utter disbelief. “Should I stay, should I run?” different thoughts kept fighting a war in my head.
A wave of emotions engulfed my body. Not sure how to react I did the first thing that came to my mind. I dropped everything and ran for the exit. When I got to my car, I tried to take a deep breath but felt like I was out of breath. My head was cloudy as I tried to process what just happened. I could hear him call my name.
“Tammy, wait!” the sound of his voice drowned, unmatched by my speed.
What was Nicolas doing here? I thought he moved out-of-town for good? I kept asking myself questions I had no answers. While trying to make sense of things, I also had to deal with this wave of anxiety that suddenly hit my body.
Every emotion I could think of began to dance a tune inside me. From anger, to confusion, to love and this nagging need to run back in there and grab him. What was going on inside me was an emotional roller coaster of a mess. I am not sure how I made it home that night but the rest of the night was spent in a state of disbelief.
I attended Kate’s fall ball with a bland look on my face and a feeling of disconnect from other guests. Staring aimlessly at the wall most of the night, I eventually decided to call it a night. Deep in thought, I did not see Kate walk up beside me. Startled, I spilled wine all over my dress, a perfect excuse to make my exit.
“Whoa! what’s wrong?” said Kate
“Nothing!” I replied in a hurry, while still trying to regain my composure.
“I know you very well Tammy, and I know when something is bothering you – spill!” Kate stated affirmatively.
Kate was right. She did know me very well. Kate and I had been friends since high school. We met as freshers while trying out for the cheerleading team. She was a petite girl with short brown hair and big beautiful brown eyes. Her welcoming smile was a life saver in a new school for a then-timid me. We spent the next four years of high school as very close friends and even when we ended up at different Universities, we remained close.
As close as Kate and I were, even though she knew Nicholas, she did not know about Nicholas. No one did. Nicholas was my dirty little secret. He really did not have to be but I had made him so. He met me at a time in my life when my insecurities were at an all-time high and I was being very careful in love.
You see, if you have been unlucky in love so many times, it can be hard to give your heart fully to someone without being 500% certain they will not break it. Problem is, there is no such thing as a 500% certainty so my relationship with Nicolas was doomed before it had a chance to begin.
Forcing a smile, I told Kate I had a rough day at work and was ok. Kate gestured toward the wine stain on my dress. This was my chance to excuse myself and go home to analyze how I was feeling. We exchanged a few words, Kate gave me a hug and walked me to my car. A part of me wanted to tell her what was going on, but a part of me knew it may just be pointless.
I drove home quietly that night. The sound of the night wind creeping through my window. I was left alone with my thoughts of Nicholas. Why did I have to run into him again? Memories of our time together began to flood my head. I could still feel the taste of his soft lips, his manly hands holding on to the small of my back like it was yesterday. The sound of his voice was like a sweet song in my head. It was a bitter-sweet memory because I could still hear all the reassuring promises that I refused to succumb to.
I pulled into my driveway, drew in a deep breath, got out of my car and walked to my door. As I put the key in the lock, suddenly, I stood there, eyes closed, still in a daze. Everything still felt so real, even his musky scent seemed so close. All I could think about was how I could still feel his breath on my neck. The very breath that sends me into a surreal passion-filled world.
Taking it all in, I felt something like a hand on my shoulder.
“This is crazy,” I thought to myself.
“Now I’m feeling his touch? Get it together Tammy,” I mumbled
“Are you ok?” a voice jerked me back to reality.
I opened my eyes. It wasn’t a fantasy. This was real. I looked back and saw Nicholas standing behind me. He was close, very close. As close as he was the night I ended it all.
“Nicholas!” I muttered….
Before I could say another word, his lips covered mine. My mind told me to resist but my body turned to jelly in his arms. Nicholas and I had history that did not end on a good note. This was the man who broke my heart into a million pieces, yet his lips felt warm, soft and supple. He lifted my dress up slightly to touch my thighs as he ran his tongue over my lips. I did not care that we were standing in my front yard. All I wanted to do was relish in the moment.
I held on to him like my life depended on it. Maybe it did, because with him, I felt so alive.
While pulling me closer, he whispered in my ear, followed by a swift lick to my ear lobe, “Do you know what an ultimate climax is?”
The sensation that ran through my body at the mere sound of his voice was instantaneous. I could feel the heat rise in parts of my body that have not been attended to in months. His touch was masculine, yet tender. The look in his eyes held promises of a night to remember.
Before I could reply, Nicholas lifted me up, kicked my door open with his feet and in one long stride, we were in the middle of my living room. He set me down on the couch. Speechless, I watched him walk towards the door to shut it. My mind racing!
“Should I put an end to this now?” I asked myself. After all, there is a reason why I stopped seeing Nicolas and that reason has not changed.
As he walked back toward me, I sat there in awe. “Nicholas is a gorgeous man!” I thought. Tall, lanky yet firm, beautiful blue eyes that rivaled the ocean, with the richest full dark hair. He had on fitted dark pants, an equally fitted white dress shirt and a blazer that looked like it was crafted just for him. In my eyes, if Zeus was the most handsome Greek god, Nicholas was one hundred times more handsome.
As much as I knew making love to Nicholas may be a bad idea, I did not care. I wanted him with all urgency. I had already started imagining how it would feel, the very moment he ravaged my body. As if he knew what I was thinking, he pulled me up and hugged me tightly. The hug was brief but it meant so much. I could sense how much he needed me. Could Nicolas have missed me? I tried so hard not to replay the last night we were together. I never gave him the chance to speak. Should I have at least allowed him tell me what was on his mind? Why was I so impatient? Why would I let him go if I knew I would still let him back in my world? The questions kept swirling in my head.
The sound of my bra clasp coming off jerked me back into reality. “This was really happening” I thought. Kissing me passionately, we walked lips locked, bodies touching, hands caressing into the bedroom. All the questions in my head no longer mattered. What mattered was that I was about to experience Nicholas again. The thought of being with him once again sent shivers through my body. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
He laid me on the bed gently, pushing my shoulders down to smother me with a deep passionate kiss. Getting up majestically, he stood in front of me while I laid there and watched him undress. He looked glorious!
Nicholas is a lanky man who packs enough weight where it matters most. I let out a slight gulp and couldn’t stop myself from blushing as he stood there confidently letting me take in the sight of him without his clothes. With a cheeky smile on his face he walked over to lay next to me and started to kiss my neck. It was all happening so fast, I wasn’t sure what to do first. My mind wanted to reciprocate and make him feel as much pleasure as I was feeling. I could feel every part of me throbbing, my hands shaking as I reached for the scepter of Nichol, as I fondly called it. He grabbed my hand and held it around his neck.
“No, don’t do a thing. I am here to please you darling, please let me” he stated firmly.
With smooth precision, he slipped off my panties underneath my dress, his hands reaching in places that made me turn all shades of pink underneath the deep hues of my skin. His kisses became more urgent, speaking a tale of need and want. It was exhilarating! His lips traced my neck as he unzipped my dress. I was nervous, very nervous, but my mind, body and soul wanted him as much as his kiss told me he wanted me.
Looking dead into my eyes, he slowly undressed me. I wasn’t shy because Nicholas had a way of making me feel comfortable in my skin. Holding my breath, I could feel his hands gently caress my outer thigh. A soft playful pinch to my bum and I found myself giggling playfully.
“Stop pinching” I said, right before he silenced me with his tongue playfully exploring the depths of my mouth. He gently slid the rest of my dress off over my head. Throwing it onto the floor carelessly while kissing every exposed part of my body.
“Do you like how I kiss you” he said as he looked up at me. He slowly traced his hands over every part of my body, as if learning about my anatomy all over again.
All I could muster was a slight yes that sounded more like a moan.
“I love how you taste Tammy, I always have and I always will” he said as he started to kiss below my navel.
I closed my eyes. It felt like I was in another world, delirious with passion. He did not let me do anything. He simply wanted to please me and I did not mind being pleased. The floodgates of memories began. I found myself in a world between fantasy and reality. Now, I understood what he meant by ultimate climax. I was no longer in control of my body.
Eyes still closed I could feel him stop, then suddenly, I was thrust into another world where all my senses collided. I felt him, all of him. It felt amazing as I twisted my body to take in every bit of him. His smell, his touch, the depth of his thrusts. It all made sense. At that point I felt like I was fighting another battle. I felt like, no matter what my grievances with Nicholas were, this is what I have always wanted. The moment I saw him at the mall, my reaction to him, it all made sense. I wanted this every night and every morning. No other man has ever made me feel the immense passion Nicholas made me feel. It felt so right, but I couldn’t help but fight this battle with my heart.
I needed closure, but I would wait till morning to speak to him. This was my chance to talk to him about what happened. This was also a chance for a possible fresh start. I smiled and let myself go. I gave all of me to Nicholas that night and it felt so good.
That night we made love again two more times and each time felt even more magical than the previous time. I slept peacefully and my dreams were equally about Nicholas.
I woke up around 9 AM in the morning with a smile on my face. Stretching my arms out with a slight yawn, I looked to my side but it was empty. Casually, I walked to the living room to look for Nicholas, after all, there was nothing wrong with being a little greedy. I wanted more of what he gave me last night, in fact, I wanted it forever. We would need to talk about why we split. I made up my mind to hear him out. Months had gone by to calm me down and now I realized I wanted to spend every waking moment with him.
Walking around my house, Nicholas was nowhere to be found. I called his name but there was no response. I walked outside to look for him but the only car in my driveway was mine. Walking back in the house, feeling empty, I couldn’t help but feel like a fool. How could Nicholas just get up and leave? I no longer had his number so there was no way to reach him. Slowly, I walked back to my kitchen, looking around confused I spotted a note on my kitchen counter. It simply read “Adieu, mi Amor.” Adieu? Why would he say goodbye when I was ready for a fresh start? My world felt shattered once again. What was meant to be a beautiful day suddenly turned dark and lonely.
The next few months I spent going about my day to day activities solemnly. I could not get the thought of Nicholas out of my head. Every attempt made to reach him was futile. Eventually, I had to tell my dear friend Kate, hoping she could help me find him. She tried reaching out to his company but no one could tell her how to reach him.
Kate knew Nicholas because they were on an assignment together. The firm she worked for was taking on a project Nicholas oversaw, and that was how we met. I had come to take Kate out for lunch when I saw this majestic looking man sitting there in the waiting room. We started to talk and eventually exchanged numbers.
The next couple of months with Nicholas were pure bliss, up until the day everything turned upside down. I could not believe Nicholas could hurt me, but he did and with all the emotions running through me, he tried, but I never gave him a chance to explain. Why would I, after all, he betrayed me. I know what I saw. He told me he loved me but still, he betrayed me. Things ended then without closure and as I found, it was just about to get worse.
One beautiful Saturday, I was having lunch with Kate, doing my best to get back to my normal routine. Due to our busy schedules, Kate and I hadn’t had a sit down in a while. We laughed and joked about our high school days. She knew not to bring up Nicholas because not being able to locate him was devastating. It was refreshing doing something other than thinking about him or where he could possibly be. While sipping on my third glass of juice, suddenly I felt sick. It felt like nothing I had ever felt before. Kate suggested it must be some sort of food bug, so I excused myself and went home.
The next few days showed no improvement so I decided to see my doctor. While waiting in the exam room, nervous, the doctor came in with a smile on her face. “A smile is good,” I thought. That obviously means whatever I have is not that bad.
“Tammy, I have good news for you” the doctor said with a huge grin on her face.
“Go ahead” I said nervously.
“We ran some tests and you do not have any food bugs” she replied.
With a look of relief, I asked the doctor what the problem was.
“Tammy, you are pregnant!” she replied.
“Pregnant?” I shouted in shock.
“Yes pregnant, and from the looks of things, you are about 4 months along” she said.
How could I be pregnant? When, where, what? I was confused! O my goodness, Nicholas! Suddenly, memories of that night came flooding back. We had gotten carried away. I sat there in disbelief. It felt bitter-sweet. Part of me was excited about the news but another part of me was scared because he was nowhere to be found.
I felt the tears roll down my cheek as I called Kate to give her the news. “Tammy, stay where you are, I am on my way, we have to do something about this situation, we just have to.” she said.
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